A Long Waited Update

You may wonder, why have I disappeared for a while? New project? New friends? Something really bad happened? No! But I did fall in love again… with Toastmasters contest.

You see, every year, this crazy toaster club organizes competitions to find out who is the better speaker.

In the past few months I have been preparing for the humorous speech contest – well, not standup comedy, but close. And in a week time I will be going to the European level final. It’s been a mission since 7 years ago when I started my public speaking journey. I came to Toastmasters to become a better speaker. Yes, I have improved a lot. But I have also failed in most speech contests I’ve participated. I can give you a long list of how I failed: forget an entire paragraph, finished 1 sec over the time limit, beaten by my wife (who speaks better than me) …

My secret is to wait long enough till all the better speakers win and retire – finally, it’s my turn now.

You can see my speech in the video below. I made a lot of jokes about Dutch people. And they love it. I have long wanted to say something about my life here in the Netherlands. I love my second homeland and this speech is my way to say: thank you Holland! For all the good and bad, I feel more comfortable to live here than China or Germany.

So, wish me luck in the next contest!

What’s My Next Speech in TEDx?

If you have watched my last speech on pickup artists you may feel that I was a bit too critical on the seduction community. Yes, I feel it’s sad that some millions of men are attracted to join that community. But on the other hand, there is some real good knowledge in the community and I think even people who are not actively looking for relationships/sex should know. So, something positive about the pickup artists – that’s the idea for the next speech.

 

The first point – 10%

In a previous blog I mentioned this. When it comes to sex, pickup artists say that 10% of the men get 90% of the actions. But can the top pickup artists seduce any woman they want? Of course… not! They succeed only about 10% of the attempts. That’s the exact science in dating. I am sure you agree with me. Can you start your success ratio? Is that 10%? Well, the point is not how accurate this 10% is. The point is that this rule makes failure much more acceptable. Human is designed as a goal-seeking machine. If you knew you fail 9 and will get 1, it is much easier to focus your effort and be motivated. And how much more pleasant your dating experience would be? You can hardly fail 10 times in a roll. If you do – like I was rejected by various TEDx’ you should be proud. Merely maintaining your positive attitude is an achievement. Once I experimented the rejections by asking ridiculous questions like “can I have a staring competition with you?” And my success rate was more than 10%. The way to success is to fail as fast and as often as possible.

Without the extensive data collected from various pickup artists I would not have found this 10% rule. And there are more interesting stuff. I will explain other learning for this speech soon (as I am still preparing them). You have my words, I am continuing my TEDx journey!

The Journey Continues

TEDx on Pickup Artists Online!

It was courageous to talk about the seduction community in TEDx, some say. Yes, and I want to be that bad boy! We’ve seen all kinds of topics on TED, some are shocking, some are depressing, some are controversial. I have always wondered why there was no speech on pickup artists? (Well, some speeches mentioned it and listed seduction tips. But none focuses on the movement itself.)

It is not a point of life that I should spend time on researching pickup artists. Yes, I got a corporate job and am married with kids. It was a past chapter of my life. But I want more people, especially women to know about this semi-secret community.

Man, it was a tough topic to be squeezed into a 13-min speech. I changed versions so much that I ran out of friends to give feedback. They all got fed up with it. Some even got pissed off by what I wanted to say. And I had some really harsh rejections from some TEDx (story for another time.) You may even say that my first speech on Asian men Western women was more fun and engaging, but only I know the work I put into this speech.

I’d like to thank all my friends for their feedback and especially Toastmasters.

And I am graceful for the acceptance of TEDxStendenUniversity. I have never been to Leeuwarden- but what a journey to make this dream come true! Thanks all for the support!

The TEDx Journey

Exactly 2 years ago my TEDx journey made an unexpected turn. I applied to be a speaker at the TEDx in the company I work for. Well, I was not just a usual applicant. I knew the entire TEDx team, as I was a speaker coach for the prior 2 events. I had high confidence that I would make a step forward to be a speaker myself. On 30^th May 2015, I was informed that I was NOT selected! Disappointing? No… I was EXTREMELY disappointed.

So, what do I go from there??

One door closes, others may open.

If I am a failure at my home ground, would I be another failure to go outside of my company? Put yourself into my shoes at that moment 2 years ago. What would you do?

• I was unknown to the general public.
• I had 2 young kids and a full time job. And my wife was not interested to take on more family burden.
• I had all the advantages at my home TEDx event, and it was a rejection. I did not even know how to become a speaker in other events.

The odds are you will not do what I did 99% of the times. But I took that gamble. To put long story short, (before it becomes boring) you need 3 things on that journey:

1. Focus – always have a clear goal, and eliminate good-to-have activities.
2. Persistence – get used to rejections and failures.
3. Believe in your ideas. This was the reason I took the risk. I heard that call in me to make my idea known to the world.

It was not easy. And I was lucky that some students took a chance on me to bring me to Erasmus University. Probably my topic is much more suitable and resonating to students than a bunch of managers in suits.

Simply the best decision, the best experience, the best outcome of my end 30s life.

After TEDx ErasmusU, I was another 2 times on TEDx stage with different topics. (The 3^rd speech is coming up.) I just can not get enough. I’ve learnt so much and had so great memories. And I am still learning and enjoying.

Looking forward, I am as excited as ever to prepare my 4^th speech. I am looking forward to meeting all the people around the world who get to know me through my speeches. And please, please share with me your thoughts to stimulate my ideas and ask me questions. I have an open arm even for those who did not like my ideas or style. (It’s eye-opening to see how people can get so mean and vicious.) At least, I have done one thing right – I made them care about my topic.

In my discussion about pickup, I mentioned higher goals. For me, TEDx is certainly one.

The Top Pickup Advice – Part III

After a long break with holiday, work and TEDx speech (more details to come) I am sure you cannot wait to read the final part of the pickup advice.

So… what are the ultimate pickup advice? When I started this whole research/ experiment I had the same question as many men around world. This last part of the pickup advice is my favorite. It’s not only about pickup but also how you can navigate your life. It’s beyond pickup.

1. Never let her control you or have the upper hand.

Men are built to be masculine, and that’s attractive. Men’s inner desire is to have the upper hand – always. That’s masculine. For some reason, when you give the control to your date/ partner-to-be, they won’t find you as attractive as when you are in control. This is contradicting, as often women want to manipulate or control you. It’s attempting to give in. You may think: that’s love. But no, a real man will not. Many love tragedies start with when a man wants to give everything to her.

Pickup artists know this. And they say that you should intentionally create confusion sometimes to keep her guessing and thinking … of you. You always have the upper hand.

2. Improve testosterone.

The science behind dating: the male hormone makes a man attractive. And you don’t need to go to hospital to get a special shot for that. Many things you do can help to generate testosterone naturally. For example, take more risks. The general rule is: if you are not sure (what to do in dating), always take the risk. What can go wrong than being badly rejected? Failure itself is stimulating for a man to be more competitive and you generate more testosterone. You become more man!

And competitions – in all kinds of forms: play a game, do sports, have a competitive job – can help to increase testosterone. Interesting to mention, the corporate competitive culture probably create more testosterone in women than what’s good for their feminism. Modern corporate world is very masculine oriented. That’s why I don’t believe we should force women to go to the top.

It turns out that the act of sex itself is stimulating to create more male hormone 🙂 This sounds like a good option for those who really have no access to sex, lol. But you need to get started somewhere with sex. Don’t be the old virgin… like me. I am not pushing you to find the easy girls, but don’t get stuck with the idea your first experience will be the best. Check out my early blog “why sex matters”.

3. Super layback mentality: everything is fine; this is nothing.

Dating skills come with practice, just like all my discussions in part 1 of the PUA advice. All skills in life come with practice. And the right mentality to learn as fast as possible is to take every moment as a practice, don’t be too serious on any outcomes. We’re just learning!

Maybe you have heard about “growth mindset”. And I am talking exactly that mindset for dating. Don’t be hanging on the failure, no matter how emotional it is. I’ve had many hart-breaking stories. And I wish I had this mindset to begin with. Those were much more enjoyable only if I could remind myself: this is nothing! Just part of learning! In 10 years, I will only laugh about it or do not remember at all!!

4. Get your life style right.

Some pickup artists spend so much time in pickup and there are not much other things they do and they truly enjoy. That’s an empty life. A life only about pickup is pathetic. There is so much out there other than sex that can make us fulfilled and happy.

The pickup world has changed from pickup lines/tricks focused to more and more life style focused. PUAs learnt from experience that focusing on changing your life and your own has sustained impact on dating success, often much more than the tricks and short-term gain.

I won’t go into details on how to build a great life style. Some life style aspects are passion, hobby, health, etc. Those should take a higher priority than pickup.

The essence of the above advice is to help you to gain true confidence and enjoy a more fulfilling life. Those who get the best out of pickup often don’t just focus purely on sex. Instead, they focus on higher goals, such as:

• Find true confidence
• Improve social skills
• Understand women better
• Self-realization

The majority of men who practice pickup will leave pickup eventually. Have you wondered what they do after? Pickup is just a period of life that nearly all men will grow out of. What do you gain from that experience? A great relationship, life style, or self-realization? They are all much more important than just sex.

Mark Manson, author, blogger, ex-Pickup Artist, is an inspiration for me. A good example of someone found higher purpose than sex and left pickup.

The Top Pickup Advice – Part II

I call this group of advice “fix the quick wins” – though some of those are not quick fix. Anyways, make you feel you can accomplish them easily. One thing I realized through studying pickup artists is that I have always ignored the easy but still important things that were totally under my control. I often spent less than 10 min getting ready for a party, immediately after dinner. If I was in a hurry I might not brush my teeth before leaving. Well, only now I understand that girls spend much more time to get ready. Compared to them I was just too careless about my appearance. Who only judge you based on your look and dress? Well… if you don’t fix the basics, you don’t pass the screening to go to the spiritual level.

1. Improve appearance

– Dress, hairstyle, posture, smile, facial expression.

First impression is so important. Films play with it, exaggerate it, but I just did not get it. This is very culturally influenced: in the country where I was raised up (China), it was much less important to dress fashion and practice right body language. Coming to the West, I immediately fit into the nerdy stereotypes. Even in the Netherlands – probably not the example of good taste of fashion.

Girls are attracted to them? Seriously?

2. Get physical!

In my TEDx speech, this was mentioned as one of the 3 most important reasons why Asian guys do not succeed in the Western dating world. We are raised to approach physical contact very differently. I was often wondering, the first date was great, we had dinner, took a walk, had a lot of chat, but why didn’t she want a 2^nd date? The reasons vary, but I think I never sent the right signal. Touching too early and too much will certainly come across as creepy. But no touch at all will be regarded as not sexually interested in her. So, don’t repeat my mistake. Get used to physical contact!

3. Improve testosterone level.

This is scientific: men with more testosterone (the male hormone) have better success rates with women. And the level of testosterone changes depending on your age, your gene, and importantly, the activities you engage. Risky things help to create more testosterone. Competition does as well. And so are sports. That’s simple, right? Take more risk (if you are not sure, always take the risk), take part in competitions, and do sports regularly.

And one more important science: sex helps to generate more testosterone. (It’s a sport, right?) I believe this is the scientific evidence for the PUA advice: you need to start with sex somewhere even if the girl is less attractive. It will help you to understand women better and improve your testosterone.

4. Become humorous spontaneously

Like public speaking, dating is an art to communicate. And humor is one of the best ways to make a connection. It’s not nice to have, but must have. Many girls claim to be attracted to men with good humor. And even in the professional world humor can give you the advantage that serious hard workers do not have.

However, it is hard to become more humorous. I was not a person with good humor. And I try to learn by observing. Recently I started an improv comedy course. Man, it is one of the best ways to become more humorous spontaneously.

5. Know how to flirt.

If you ask her in a flirty way, an absurd question becomes much more playful and fun. And I am a monumental failure on flirting. So, instead of pretending I can five you good examples, watch Craig Ferguson show. Great fun!

These are some concrete things you can do to improve your dating success. And you don’t need to be a pickup artist!!

The Top Pickup Advice – Part I

If you find this blog here, the chances are, you want to improve your romantic life. You might be one of millions of men who are looking for the golden tips and tricks to get instant results. The fast moving modern world is always in search for quick solutions, even if it’s an ancient problem. I was looking for quick solutions as well. Only after a long struggle I stopped believing that there are those silver bullets out there. If there are, then many people will have already used them and soon women will want to develop counter measures to make it harder for men again. And pickup artists won’t claim that you need 6 – 18 months of concentrated effort to become good at dating any more.

Let’s face it, dating skills are like many other professional skills. You need serious effort to truly master them. But this does not mean you should stop searching for accelerated learning methods to get you there faster. I’ve come across many great advices; they range from small things you need to pay attention to to general strategies to approach dating issues. Let me focus on the similarity of dating and formal learning this time.

If you take dating as learning a tough skill, then it is not difficult to understand why below approaches can be effective. All of them are based on interviews with top dating coaches/pickup artists.

1. Make it a habit.

To be truly good at professional skills, such as football, photography, public speaking, you need to make learning a part of your daily life. Seeking all opportunities to practice. For dating, specifically, you can consider:

• Talk to everyone, and practice spontaneous reactions. This makes you more social.
• Talk to as many people as possible and show your interest. This can improve your satisfaction of you life as well.
• Always be disciplined: go out on a regular basis, what to say, how to approach, be clear on what’s the aim of your approach, etc. Discipline is the best way to build a habit. All top pickup artists are quite disciplined in their early development.

2. Make pickup a formal learning.

Set goals; be disciplined on planning; regular check on progress & identify where still falls short. Hardly anyone regards pickup/dating as his studies. It sounds boring and not fun, but it is extremely effective. Romantic relationships should be fun… till you find out that you don’t have skills to enjoy yet. To improve fast why not borrow methods from your studies?

3. Keep a journal / track record.

I never used this method myself. However, I did keep a journal of my Ph.D. research. And I can totally see why it’s useful. What really happened can be very different from what you remember. And your memory can intentionally change things, especially the emotional experiences. Keeping a track record helps you to identify the patterns in your relationships and also make it more objective to review what happened.

4. Get a good wing-man, even better – get a coach.

They fix those things you’ll never realize without looking into the mirror. Just like feedback in Toastmasters (a public speaking club), just like professional athletes all have professional coaches, just like Robert Greene mentioned in his book “Mastery”, to improve fast you need coaching.

Can’t Find Dating Listed Here…

Seems pickup might be considered as a kind of sports, what do you think?

Why Top Pickup Artists Don’t Marry?

After researching some 30+ pickup artists background, I was a bit surprised to see the trend: they don’t get married! (Well, let’s say David DeAngelo is a special case.) It seems both logical and counter-intuitive. It’s an interesting question to shed light on the pickup world.

Yes, it’s understandable.

1. If someone has a lot of potential partners to choose from, he might want to enjoy and wait. There is no rush to get married.
2. Marriage means the end of the pickup life style. And it’s hard work to maintain the relationship. I guess for most top pickup artists, marriage is just not that exiting.
3. Many pickup artists make a living by showing others how to get laid. It’s possible to have a wife waiting home with kids, but I have not figured out how that will really work out.
4. Pickup artists may be considered as a special type of men, like CEOs, football players, top actors, etc. They don’t live normal lives any more. Think about it, some of them going to parties 4 times a week, change sex partners every other day. Isn’t it physically challenging?

 

Maybe worthwhile to dig a bit deeper.

Pickup artists say, finding a girl and keeping a girl are two completely different skill sets. You might be very good at getting girls to bed, but suck at keeping them happy with you. A lot of guys coming to pickup may not have realized this. They come in to find a girl to get married, but get very limited advice on how to truly build a healthy relationship. I see pickup artists only advertise the success stories, (how many lays in one bootcamp, another guy got married to a girl thanks to pickup) but reality is not that rosy.

The author of the book “The Game” Neil Strauss ended up having all of the above issues. His success story from a nerdy writer to a famous Pickup artist eventually evolved into sexual addiction and other psychological issues. After the treatment, he finally decided to leave pickup community, married one of his favorite girlfriends and started family life. His last book was nearly named “Game Over”. Pickup artists have their own issues. I don’t admire them.

End of the Pickup Career

The bottom line is, everyone is on his own unique journey. You won’t be satisfied with your sex life or relationship until you have gone through your inner path to understand yourself. Whether it’s after 10+ failed relationships or just 1 is not important. Pickup is no exception.

Who should try Pickup?

Although I have discussed many negative impact of pickup artistry, there are people who can benefit from it. I got some really good advice from my pickup experiments. So in the video blog I mention who might get some positive learning from pickup. It does not mean those who actively practice pickup are some kind of creep or moron. There are decent, well-educated, highly regarded individuals who need some pickup knowledge. (I was one of those, a Ph.D. from China…)

One thing I did not mention in the video is that many successful pickup artists have the common psychological history of very painful dating experiences. Some thought of committing suicide or giving up love forever. The pain is so severe that they would give up anything to change their dating lives. In another word, they start pickup with a strong goal in their mind, and they give all their resource to make it happen. Change is hard, changing your dating life is one of the hardest things in your life. If my blog has not persuaded you to find another less-negative alternative than pickup artistry, then you must come into the pickup community with determination and discipline.

Good luck!