The Top Pickup Advice – Part II

I call this group of advice “fix the quick wins” – though some of those are not quick fix. Anyways, make you feel you can accomplish them easily. One thing I realized through studying pickup artists is that I have always ignored the easy but still important things that were totally under my control. I often spent less than 10 min getting ready for a party, immediately after dinner. If I was in a hurry I might not brush my teeth before leaving. Well, only now I understand that girls spend much more time to get ready. Compared to them I was just too careless about my appearance. Who only judge you based on your look and dress? Well… if you don’t fix the basics, you don’t pass the screening to go to the spiritual level.

  1. Improve appearance

– Dress, hairstyle, posture, smile, facial expression.

First impression is so important. Films play with it, exaggerate it, but I just did not get it. This is very culturally influenced: in the country where I was raised up (China), it was much less important to dress fashion and practice right body language. Coming to the West, I immediately fit into the nerdy stereotypes. Even in the Netherlands – probably not the example of good taste of fashion.

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Girls are attracted to them? Seriously?
  1. Get physical!

In my TEDx speech, this was mentioned as one of the 3 most important reasons why Asian guys do not succeed in the Western dating world. We are raised to approach physical contact very differently. I was often wondering, the first date was great, we had dinner, took a walk, had a lot of chat, but why didn’t she want a 2nd date? The reasons vary, but I think I never sent the right signal. Touching too early and too much will certainly come across as creepy. But no touch at all will be regarded as not sexually interested in her. So, don’t repeat my mistake. Get used to physical contact!

  1. Improve testosterone level.

This is scientific: men with more testosterone (the male hormone) have better success rates with women. And the level of testosterone changes depending on your age, your gene, and importantly, the activities you engage. Risky things help to create more testosterone. Competition does as well. And so are sports. That’s simple, right? Take more risk (if you are not sure, always take the risk), take part in competitions, and do sports regularly.

And one more important science: sex helps to generate more testosterone. (It’s a sport, right?) I believe this is the scientific evidence for the PUA advice: you need to start with sex somewhere even if the girl is less attractive. It will help you to understand women better and improve your testosterone.

  1. Become humorous spontaneously

Like public speaking, dating is an art to communicate. And humor is one of the best ways to make a connection. It’s not nice to have, but must have. Many girls claim to be attracted to men with good humor. And even in the professional world humor can give you the advantage that serious hard workers do not have.

However, it is hard to become more humorous. I was not a person with good humor. And I try to learn by observing. Recently I started an improv comedy course. Man, it is one of the best ways to become more humorous spontaneously.

  1. Know how to flirt.

If you ask her in a flirty way, an absurd question becomes much more playful and fun. And I am a monumental failure on flirting. So, instead of pretending I can five you good examples, watch Craig Ferguson show. Great fun!

These are some concrete things you can do to improve your dating success. And you don’t need to be a pickup artist!!

The Top Pickup Advice – Part I

If you find this blog here, the chances are, you want to improve your romantic life. You might be one of millions of men who are looking for the golden tips and tricks to get instant results. The fast moving modern world is always in search for quick solutions, even if it’s an ancient problem. I was looking for quick solutions as well. Only after a long struggle I stopped believing that there are those silver bullets out there. If there are, then many people will have already used them and soon women will want to develop counter measures to make it harder for men again. And pickup artists won’t claim that you need 6 – 18 months of concentrated effort to become good at dating any more.

Let’s face it, dating skills are like many other professional skills. You need serious effort to truly master them. But this does not mean you should stop searching for accelerated learning methods to get you there faster. I’ve come across many great advices; they range from small things you need to pay attention to to general strategies to approach dating issues. Let me focus on the similarity of dating and formal learning this time.

If you take dating as learning a tough skill, then it is not difficult to understand why below approaches can be effective. All of them are based on interviews with top dating coaches/pickup artists.

  1. Make it a habit.

To be truly good at professional skills, such as football, photography, public speaking, you need to make learning a part of your daily life. Seeking all opportunities to practice. For dating, specifically, you can consider:

  • Talk to everyone, and practice spontaneous reactions. This makes you more social.
  • Talk to as many people as possible and show your interest. This can improve your satisfaction of you life as well.
  • Always be disciplined: go out on a regular basis, what to say, how to approach, be clear on what’s the aim of your approach, etc. Discipline is the best way to build a habit. All top pickup artists are quite disciplined in their early development.
  1. Make pickup a formal learning.

Set goals; be disciplined on planning; regular check on progress & identify where still falls short. Hardly anyone regards pickup/dating as his studies. It sounds boring and not fun, but it is extremely effective. Romantic relationships should be fun… till you find out that you don’t have skills to enjoy yet. To improve fast why not borrow methods from your studies?

  1. Keep a journal / track record.

I never used this method myself. However, I did keep a journal of my Ph.D. research. And I can totally see why it’s useful. What really happened can be very different from what you remember. And your memory can intentionally change things, especially the emotional experiences. Keeping a track record helps you to identify the patterns in your relationships and also make it more objective to review what happened.

  1. Get a good wing-man, even better – get a coach.

They fix those things you’ll never realize without looking into the mirror. Just like feedback in Toastmasters (a public speaking club), just like professional athletes all have professional coaches, just like Robert Greene mentioned in his book “Mastery”, to improve fast you need coaching.

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Can’t Find Dating Listed Here…

Seems pickup might be considered as a kind of sports, what do you think?

Why Top Pickup Artists Don’t Marry?

After researching some 30+ pickup artists background, I was a bit surprised to see the trend: they don’t get married! (Well, let’s say David DeAngelo is a special case.) It seems both logical and counter-intuitive. It’s an interesting question to shed light on the pickup world.

Yes, it’s understandable.

  1. If someone has a lot of potential partners to choose from, he might want to enjoy and wait. There is no rush to get married.
  2. Marriage means the end of the pickup life style. And it’s hard work to maintain the relationship. I guess for most top pickup artists, marriage is just not that exiting.
  3. Many pickup artists make a living by showing others how to get laid. It’s possible to have a wife waiting home with kids, but I have not figured out how that will really work out.
  4. Pickup artists may be considered as a special type of men, like CEOs, football players, top actors, etc. They don’t live normal lives any more. Think about it, some of them going to parties 4 times a week, change sex partners every other day. Isn’t it physically challenging?

 

Maybe worthwhile to dig a bit deeper.

Pickup artists say, finding a girl and keeping a girl are two completely different skill sets. You might be very good at getting girls to bed, but suck at keeping them happy with you. A lot of guys coming to pickup may not have realized this. They come in to find a girl to get married, but get very limited advice on how to truly build a healthy relationship. I see pickup artists only advertise the success stories, (how many lays in one bootcamp, another guy got married to a girl thanks to pickup) but reality is not that rosy.

The author of the book “The Game” Neil Strauss ended up having all of the above issues. His success story from a nerdy writer to a famous Pickup artist eventually evolved into sexual addiction and other psychological issues. After the treatment, he finally decided to leave pickup community, married one of his favorite girlfriends and started family life. His last book was nearly named “Game Over”. Pickup artists have their own issues. I don’t admire them.

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End of the Pickup Career

The bottom line is, everyone is on his own unique journey. You won’t be satisfied with your sex life or relationship until you have gone through your inner path to understand yourself. Whether it’s after 10+ failed relationships or just 1 is not important. Pickup is no exception.

Who should try Pickup?

Although I have discussed many negative impact of pickup artistry, there are people who can benefit from it. I got some really good advice from my pickup experiments. So in the video blog I mention who might get some positive learning from pickup. It does not mean those who actively practice pickup are some kind of creep or moron. There are decent, well-educated, highly regarded individuals who need some pickup knowledge. (I was one of those, a Ph.D. from China…)

One thing I did not mention in the video is that many successful pickup artists have the common psychological history of very painful dating experiences. Some thought of committing suicide or giving up love forever. The pain is so severe that they would give up anything to change their dating lives. In another word, they start pickup with a strong goal in their mind, and they give all their resource to make it happen. Change is hard, changing your dating life is one of the hardest things in your life. If my blog has not persuaded you to find another less-negative alternative than pickup artistry, then you must come into the pickup community with determination and discipline.

Good luck!

Why Pickup Artistry Can Be Bad For You?

I tried Pickup Artist stuff many years ago. Think it served its function at that moment of my life. Now I try to maintain a balanced view. And sometimes you might get confused: so is it good or bad? The real world is not that simple. In this short video I try to give you a few key negative points of PUA. Some are from my experiences and some I collect and support from my research. Hope this helps you if you are on your way to try PUA methods.

A short recap of the negative aspects:

  1. Pickup Artistry works well on certain types of women.
  2. It’s superficial – life is empty if it’s just about sex.
  3. The wrong attitude: I got higher numbers; I sleep with pretty girls; if you can’t beat me on those you are a loser!
  4. PUA world is full of scams – they try to sell you a secret which can change your dating life immediately. Really?
  5. It takes away the time that a man should use for other higher purposes.

Most importantly, don’t think about PUA stuff in this holiday time 🙂 Happy holiday season! Have a great start of 2017!

The Pickup Line Experiment

One of the best ways to keep your mind fresh and make your life more enjoyable is to intentionally go out of your comfort-zone. And that is one of the first things many new joiners to the pickup artist community do. They need to continuously go out and approach women. That’s really nerve breaking and uncomfortable at the beginning. But after some really harsh rejections and nearly no success some quit, some survive, and some even start to enjoy it. The process of pick-up is not only for dating success. Once you experience the practice to intentionally be uncomfortable you may well become more confident in other areas in your life.

The pickup artist community started as a group of man trying to find the perfect pickup lines. Nowadays, you can even download apps on your phone to have as many cheesy lines as you want. I have never gone through this intensive pickup training. So, I wonder, would some pickup lines work? Let me find out from a self-designed experiment.

Last Sunday, I went out with some friends. I challenged them to compete with each other on the “Pickup Line Experiment”. I have selected the below pickup lines. And the task was to ask as many women as possible about their opinions: which line do you think works the best?

  • Can I ask you direction? Cause I am getting lost in your eyes.
  • I’m not a photographer, but I can picture you and me together.
  • The weather turns me off, but you definitely turn me on.
  • My name is XX, and I want to take you out for a date. What’s your name?
  • Nice to see you again, I met you in my dreams.

 

I teamed up with my friend Jorge. We approached 14 women within 45 min. And the results were surprising! I can tell you that I did not guess it right. There was a clear winner from the above lines. What’s your pick? Let me start with the runner-up:

  • Can I ask you direction? Cause I am getting lost in your eyes.

It’s a humorous, teasing, indirect line. Many ladies laughed. Yes, humor always works. But the winner does not even make them laugh:

  • My name is XX, and I want to take you out for a date. What’s your name?

Simple, direct, honest, and the best! I was surprised, but could still understand to some degree. I still find it fascinating: men nearly always get it wrong. Why do we spend much time to find the best lines? Yet the best is the easiest, and no need to outsmart others at all! Some recent comments from Pickup Artists seem to be in line with what I found out. Check out the book from Nick Sparks.

But, hold on, we actually found something more. We did not only ask women’s opinions. I introduced a twist: we asked them to take a picture with us after our 2-min research. If you just go out there and ask random women to take pictures with you, I am sure you will collect a lot of rejections. So what about the situation after a 2-min imaginary research? We got 8 yes out of 14!! That’s more than 50% success rate. Compared to the best pickup line, I find this even more amazing! See a few photos below.

 

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In the early days of pickup move, Mystery has promoted this “can-I-get-your-opinion” approach. It obviously worked! Though we found out one of the best pickup lines, we also proved this old get-an-opinion approach actually works. We stroke easy conversation from the silly pickup line research. I did not feel it was hard to overcome the approach anxiety. In fact, if I were trying to figure out what line I should use to do the pickup, I would be really nervous and start to hesitate.

In our simple experiment, we proved 2 most effective approaches to open a conversation: direct, simple, honest way and the get-an-opinion approach.

Now, get out and use them!!

Why A Married Man Wants to Look into Pickup Artists?

Some have asked me: why a married PhD wants to look into Pickup Artists? Even my wife was not happy with my wish to become a dating expert. So I made a short video to explain. I do feel sometimes that I am the minority in this world who are interested in this topic. Maybe most people don’t feel the pain of rejection any more? Or the discussion of who will be the next president overshadows my passion? I am curious to see where the speech will happen. Let me know if you have a good idea!