Why Top Pickup Artists Don’t Marry?

After researching some 30+ pickup artists background, I was a bit surprised to see the trend: they don’t get married! (Well, let’s say David DeAngelo is a special case.) It seems both logical and counter-intuitive. It’s an interesting question to shed light on the pickup world.

Yes, it’s understandable.

  1. If someone has a lot of potential partners to choose from, he might want to enjoy and wait. There is no rush to get married.
  2. Marriage means the end of the pickup life style. And it’s hard work to maintain the relationship. I guess for most top pickup artists, marriage is just not that exiting.
  3. Many pickup artists make a living by showing others how to get laid. It’s possible to have a wife waiting home with kids, but I have not figured out how that will really work out.
  4. Pickup artists may be considered as a special type of men, like CEOs, football players, top actors, etc. They don’t live normal lives any more. Think about it, some of them going to parties 4 times a week, change sex partners every other day. Isn’t it physically challenging?

 

Maybe worthwhile to dig a bit deeper.

Pickup artists say, finding a girl and keeping a girl are two completely different skill sets. You might be very good at getting girls to bed, but suck at keeping them happy with you. A lot of guys coming to pickup may not have realized this. They come in to find a girl to get married, but get very limited advice on how to truly build a healthy relationship. I see pickup artists only advertise the success stories, (how many lays in one bootcamp, another guy got married to a girl thanks to pickup) but reality is not that rosy.

The author of the book “The Game” Neil Strauss ended up having all of the above issues. His success story from a nerdy writer to a famous Pickup artist eventually evolved into sexual addiction and other psychological issues. After the treatment, he finally decided to leave pickup community, married one of his favorite girlfriends and started family life. His last book was nearly named “Game Over”. Pickup artists have their own issues. I don’t admire them.

strauss-baby
End of the Pickup Career

The bottom line is, everyone is on his own unique journey. You won’t be satisfied with your sex life or relationship until you have gone through your inner path to understand yourself. Whether it’s after 10+ failed relationships or just 1 is not important. Pickup is no exception.

Who should try Pickup?

Although I have discussed many negative impact of pickup artistry, there are people who can benefit from it. I got some really good advice from my pickup experiments. So in the video blog I mention who might get some positive learning from pickup. It does not mean those who actively practice pickup are some kind of creep or moron. There are decent, well-educated, highly regarded individuals who need some pickup knowledge. (I was one of those, a Ph.D. from China…)

One thing I did not mention in the video is that many successful pickup artists have the common psychological history of very painful dating experiences. Some thought of committing suicide or giving up love forever. The pain is so severe that they would give up anything to change their dating lives. In another word, they start pickup with a strong goal in their mind, and they give all their resource to make it happen. Change is hard, changing your dating life is one of the hardest things in your life. If my blog has not persuaded you to find another less-negative alternative than pickup artistry, then you must come into the pickup community with determination and discipline.

Good luck!

Why Pickup Artistry Can Be Bad For You?

I tried Pickup Artist stuff many years ago. Think it served its function at that moment of my life. Now I try to maintain a balanced view. And sometimes you might get confused: so is it good or bad? The real world is not that simple. In this short video I try to give you a few key negative points of PUA. Some are from my experiences and some I collect and support from my research. Hope this helps you if you are on your way to try PUA methods.

A short recap of the negative aspects:

  1. Pickup Artistry works well on certain types of women.
  2. It’s superficial – life is empty if it’s just about sex.
  3. The wrong attitude: I got higher numbers; I sleep with pretty girls; if you can’t beat me on those you are a loser!
  4. PUA world is full of scams – they try to sell you a secret which can change your dating life immediately. Really?
  5. It takes away the time that a man should use for other higher purposes.

Most importantly, don’t think about PUA stuff in this holiday time 🙂 Happy holiday season! Have a great start of 2017!

The Pickup Line Experiment

One of the best ways to keep your mind fresh and make your life more enjoyable is to intentionally go out of your comfort-zone. And that is one of the first things many new joiners to the pickup artist community do. They need to continuously go out and approach women. That’s really nerve breaking and uncomfortable at the beginning. But after some really harsh rejections and nearly no success some quit, some survive, and some even start to enjoy it. The process of pick-up is not only for dating success. Once you experience the practice to intentionally be uncomfortable you may well become more confident in other areas in your life.

The pickup artist community started as a group of man trying to find the perfect pickup lines. Nowadays, you can even download apps on your phone to have as many cheesy lines as you want. I have never gone through this intensive pickup training. So, I wonder, would some pickup lines work? Let me find out from a self-designed experiment.

Last Sunday, I went out with some friends. I challenged them to compete with each other on the “Pickup Line Experiment”. I have selected the below pickup lines. And the task was to ask as many women as possible about their opinions: which line do you think works the best?

  • Can I ask you direction? Cause I am getting lost in your eyes.
  • I’m not a photographer, but I can picture you and me together.
  • The weather turns me off, but you definitely turn me on.
  • My name is XX, and I want to take you out for a date. What’s your name?
  • Nice to see you again, I met you in my dreams.

 

I teamed up with my friend Jorge. We approached 14 women within 45 min. And the results were surprising! I can tell you that I did not guess it right. There was a clear winner from the above lines. What’s your pick? Let me start with the runner-up:

  • Can I ask you direction? Cause I am getting lost in your eyes.

It’s a humorous, teasing, indirect line. Many ladies laughed. Yes, humor always works. But the winner does not even make them laugh:

  • My name is XX, and I want to take you out for a date. What’s your name?

Simple, direct, honest, and the best! I was surprised, but could still understand to some degree. I still find it fascinating: men nearly always get it wrong. Why do we spend much time to find the best lines? Yet the best is the easiest, and no need to outsmart others at all! Some recent comments from Pickup Artists seem to be in line with what I found out. Check out the book from Nick Sparks.

But, hold on, we actually found something more. We did not only ask women’s opinions. I introduced a twist: we asked them to take a picture with us after our 2-min research. If you just go out there and ask random women to take pictures with you, I am sure you will collect a lot of rejections. So what about the situation after a 2-min imaginary research? We got 8 yes out of 14!! That’s more than 50% success rate. Compared to the best pickup line, I find this even more amazing! See a few photos below.

 

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In the early days of pickup move, Mystery has promoted this “can-I-get-your-opinion” approach. It obviously worked! Though we found out one of the best pickup lines, we also proved this old get-an-opinion approach actually works. We stroke easy conversation from the silly pickup line research. I did not feel it was hard to overcome the approach anxiety. In fact, if I were trying to figure out what line I should use to do the pickup, I would be really nervous and start to hesitate.

In our simple experiment, we proved 2 most effective approaches to open a conversation: direct, simple, honest way and the get-an-opinion approach.

Now, get out and use them!!

Why A Married Man Wants to Look into Pickup Artists?

Some have asked me: why a married PhD wants to look into Pickup Artists? Even my wife was not happy with my wish to become a dating expert. So I made a short video to explain. I do feel sometimes that I am the minority in this world who are interested in this topic. Maybe most people don’t feel the pain of rejection any more? Or the discussion of who will be the next president overshadows my passion? I am curious to see where the speech will happen. Let me know if you have a good idea!

The Rise of the Honesty Based Dating Systems

“Just be honest!” Have you heard this advice to improve your dating life? I have. And at certain point I was very skeptical about it. I was honest! But there was no result. After I got to know pickup artist (PUA) I start to think: who cares about honesty, as long as girls want to have sex with you. Well, that attitude did not give me better result either. I have seen men use all possible methods, tricks to get girls into bed. “It’s a game!” they said to me. So that means: honesty is less important than following the rules of the game. You see athletes doing that all the time. The professionals should not complain about the stupid rules. They make use of them. Do they really use performance-enhancing drugs? The test will tell.

However, in the past few years, I see more and more honesty-based dating systems taking the spotlight. One of the best examples is the ex-PUA Mark Manson. His book “Models” is a must read for anyone who struggles to succeed in dating. Though sometimes I still see the influence of PUA, he promotes to approach dating with complete honesty. In his view, being brutally honest not only will make you more confident but also will force women to take a side – he calls it “Fuck yes or no”.

Mark is one of the many “honest” dating coaches. Let me mention a few more if you are interested to read their works: Nick Sparks, Alan Roger Currie, Johnny Soporno. I don’t mean that the rest PUA’s / dating coaches don’t use honesty as a part of their methods. Most do, only that the focus is different in their approaches.

In fact, the honest-based approach has always been around in the dating industry. Only that in the past 10 years the rise of PUA has stolen the glory. PUA techniques are traditionally pickup line based and tend to be mechanical. You need to prepare your lines and deliver them many many times. The honesty-based methods are probably a bit easier in comparison. But at the beginning, you don’t get any results if you just go there and say what’s in your mind. It’s still a lot of work to be better at dating. The PUA community seems to have gone through the wild experimenting phase and converged into a few main directions. I feel it’s a positive development that honesty has come more and more the emphasis.

 

In my view, some tips and tricks still work to get short-term results. But without honesty as the foundation you may win the battle and lose the war. The war of the long-term happiness.

 

So, be honest, and be ready to spend time and effort to learn. You will improve your dating life.

What do Pickup Artists tell us about dating?

Pick-up artists (PUA) present one of the most controversial issues in the modern dating world. According to Wikipedia, PUA is the seduction community and their goal is to achieve sexual success with women. In the past 10 years, due to the success of the book “The Game: penetrating the secret society of pickup artists”, PUA has grown from some thousands of geeks exchanging pickup lines to a multi-million dollar industry.

The Game cover

While many feel appalled at PUA, I think it provides a unique angle to look at the modern romantic relationship. Though not a PUA myself, I have come across many of them while preparing my previous TEDx speech. Some are very helpful to provide me an inside look into the dating world. And I think their argument/explanations are in general sensible and well grounded. But the overall picture of PUA remains complex.

So why do we have polarized impressions/opinions against PUA?

Though much PUA stuff is self-help and aiming at improving men’s life style, the ultimate goal of PUA is predominantly sex – to have as many “lays” as possible (in PUA language). For many women that is a real turn-off. It seems that many women believe PUAs often play tricks to achieve short-term benefit of having sex.

I see that men’s impression of PUA differs a lot from women. Men often feel that they have some kind of privilege when they are able to have sex with many women. I am no exception. For a period of time, I secretly admired those who can easily find sexual partners, and I was very insecure due to the lack of success. PUA comes in to help. But is that the best way? Has the Western culture set many desperate men to that route?

 

Are PUAs happier than average men?

Arguably PUA is mainly for 2 types of men: 1. those who have real difficulties to have even one relationship; 2. those who believe “more women = better life”. As many things in life: the quality is more important than quantity.

Nearly all PUA gurus have sex addiction. They especially enjoy the variety of sexual choices, but they cannot sustain a long term monogamous relationship. Getting married is the end of their life style – a great example is the author of the book “The Game” Neil Strauss, who basically announced GAME OVER when he finally got out of a lot of trouble and married. I think top PUAs are basically different human beings than average men like me. I was always looking for that special one person, and I am very happy to keep her in my life. Some men thought that PUA life style is the happy world. They end up in a deeper trouble.

But to be fair, compared to those men with zero access to sex, PUAs are certainly happier.

 

Is it true that those people who practiced PUA significantly changed their dating lives?

Some men certainly did, but only those who are disciplined and keep trying for an extended period of time. At the beginning it’s not fun. PUA is like many other skills or professions: theory is not hard to find – still no results without practice. If you are only looking for a shortcut to solve your problems you will be disappointed.

 

Does PUA prove that we all make irrational decisions constantly in dating?

We are emotional creatures, and we don’t make many relationship decisions based on logical thinking. Is that the fundamental reason why women can be manipulated? Mmm, that’s a good Ph.D. topic for social psychologists. (I reserve it for my next life. One Ph.D. title is enough J) Well, many PUAs do claim that their methods have a neuro-psychological foundation. I don’t think scientific research is that far yet.

 

Should I believe that PUA can make me a dating master in a short time?

As I mentioned, I don’t believe there is the quick and easy shortcut. Even though 90% PUA sites try to sell you a shortcut/trick/secret. I believe that the right PUA method does give men a workable system to improve. It is A method, not THE method. There are already honesty-based methods immerging. (Ironically, developed partially by ex-PUAs.) And I believe that’s the better direction to help men. Search for names like Mark Manson, Johnny Berba, Johnny Soporno, Nick Sparks.

 

Would I recommend PUA methods to Asian men?

It depends. If you are fully aware of the potential negativity of PUA, by all means, try it. If you are disadvantaged in some parts of the world due to lack of understanding how dating works, PUA has a lot of good explanations on Western dating processes. But, (a big BUT) I would rather recommend to focus on self-improvement: communication skills, confidence, healthy life style, purpose in life, understanding yourself, etc. – in another word, those things that are bigger than just sex. Many ex-PUAs find that period of life more of a stepping stone to something more meaningful.

PUA methods come from real world experiences and they give good examples of how practice + feedback can take you to another level. This method is similar as in many scientific fields. I explained this in my recent TEDx speech “ Chemistry of Relationships”.

(This TEDx speech is not about PUA. But my next TEDx is coming. And my plan is to bring up the PUA topic.)

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There is often no yes-or-no answer. The existence of PUA has deep-rooted reasons in human society. Many questions remain. How do you think PUA will impact our dating world in the future? Have you met a PUA? Please give your opinion here. I am interested to hear! Questions are welcome. I am happy to comment. And it may help me to prepare my speech. But keep in mind, I am just an amateur PUA expert.